Turkey Talk

 

I decided that the world needs to know about Turkey Talk. To that end, I'll just refer everybody to a text document and a YouTube video I created explaining what it is, and why you should use it.

An Arms Race with Bears

Last year we moved to a new house, which is surrounded by a lot of trees. One day in springtime, our neighbor texted me picture of a bear behind his fence. The next day I saw that our garbage can was tipped over and open. But there was no garbage strewn around it, so I figured maybe it had blown over in the wind. But the day after that, my daughter pointed out a pile of garbage some distance away, near the trees. So I checked the security camera, and sure enough, a bear had gotten into the trash. It just decided to drag all the bags away before ripping them open and making a huge mess.

Round one was after dark, so the camera footage isn't great, but here are some shots from the visit #2:

 

Well that wasn't going to work. The garbage collection folks said they didn't have any bear-proof cans, but that we could install a lock. So I found something that looked good and installed it. (But not before the bears visited us again.) The good wildebeests (get it? "gnus"? news?) was that the locks were indeed beyond the bears' ability to open. (You need fingers to undo the carabiner.)

The bad wildebeests was that the lids themselves were flimsy enough for the bears to pull back. It took them a lot of effort, but after flipping the cans over and climbing on top of them, they were able to get food waste out and make a huge mess.

Since the bendiness of the lid wasn't that much, I hypothesized that maybe I didn't need a bunch more locks; maybe just a bungee cord across the front would make it no longer worth their time. Here's what the bears thought:

This went on for more than 10 minutes.

So I broke down and bought four more locks, for the corners of the two cans. And guess what? The bears haven't even bothered coming back. Maybe the locks I had made things not worth their trouble after all. But for the rest of my life I'll have to unlock three carabiners every time I take out the trash. So I'm not really sure whether I won the arms race, or whether the joke is on me.

Sofia the Second

So, this is Sofia the First:

And cultured video game players know that this is Sofia III:

So one might reasonably ask, who is Sofia the Second? There's no obvious transition between those. But fortunately my son had an answer: she must be a cyborg. My daughter has illustrated it for us.

You're welcome, world.

Weird Products & Offers

More odd stuff I've run across:

Good thing my wife spotted this, because I hate it when my power failure runs out of power:

This one seems to have a way to moderate drainage by absorbing light!

And finally, for those of you who need style help and/or companionship:

Troop Cheer

The scouts I was working with needed some cheers for camp this summer, so I figured I’d help them out. The scouts weren’t fans, but I will grace the world with the best of them. (Actually one of the scouts helped with this, even though he didn’t think it was a good idea.)

Leader: Proud declaration!
    Group: Fervid agreement!
Leader: Obvious question?
    Group: Overly enthusiastic response!
Leader: Tired reference!
    Group: Stupid Rhyme!
All: Excited self-identification!

You’re welcome.

Bad Ads

Here are some Internet ads that aren’t saying what they’re trying to say.

#1:

Huh. I didn’t know they had different kinds of questions in Canada. But whatever they are, apparently they don’t have anything to do with the Product.

#2. This one is even worse than I realized at first – I read “ends”. Either way, it’s bad.

Weird Butterfly Antics

I can’t say that I spend a lot of time thinking about butterflies. They’re fairly non-gross insects (as adults) that have a mysterious flight mechanism, and sometimes they have cool colors. That’s about it. But today I was on a field trip with my daughter, and we went into a butterfly house, and the following weird things happened:

1. A large, five-or-six-inch butterfly landed on my shirt and just hung out there for a couple of minutes.
2. After it left, a similar one (or maybe the same one) landed right on top of my head.
3. On the screen wall, there was another one of these large butterflies, with a hitchhiker. Or rather a hitch-sitter. A smaller butterfly was actually sitting there on the larger one’s wing.

This phone camera isn’t great, and the angle makes it hard to see the big butterfly, but it’s that long, light-brown line in the center:

Spontaneous but Useless Song Ideas

A few weeks ago I was playing with little animals with my daughter. I was there for quite a while, so when I stood up, my legs got all wobbly, causing me to feel old. I commented to my wife, “My hips might not lie, but they also don’t work.”

Now tell me that wouldn’t be an inspired song, sort of a Shakira / Weird Al thing. “Hips Don’t Work.” What a missed opportunity.

Shirt Pins

I had to get some new dress shirts this week, which meant that I was subjected to the ordeal of navigating the gauntlet of packaging the use for those things. It’s not enough to wrap them; it’s not even enough to stuff them with plastic and cardboard to preserve the collar shape. No. They have to put little pins all over the place so that wrinkles don’t appear, because evidently that would create an abomination out of what once was an innocent shirt. So first of all, you need to be sure you find all the pins, because if you don’t, you’re going to get poked by them later. And even if you do get them out, what are you going to do with them? You could throw them away, at the risk of someone else getting poked before they reach the landfill. But I have a hard time throwing away something that’s made of metal and technically is still capable of the functionality it was designed for. After all, people use pins, right? Well, seeing these new pins join the existing ones on my wife’s hand-made pin cushion, I had to admit that there are probably more pins there than anyone in my family will ever use. So I guess we’ll just be stuck with these dangerous artifacts of the process. Someday, in the distant future, I hope that someone will find a better way to package shirts. It would mean so much to the world.

The Proverbial Small World (the idiom, not the ride)

So I got an e-mail notice of a comment posted, but it doesn’t show up, so maybe it was deleted, so I won’t repost it – but evidently there’s someone else with the same name as me and enough in common that his friends keep thinking this is his blog ☺ Pretty cool, huh?

(I guess maybe I should update my photo to be a real one, since this blog links to other stuff that has my photo. But then I’d have to come up with a new description too. So not  yet.)

Uses for Duct Tape

Duct tape has many uses, but two have been particularly useful for me over the course of my days.

#1: Watch Band

On my mission, my watch band broke. I couldn’t find a cheap watch that was water-resistant, so I decided to make my own band out of duct tape. It was folded in on itself of course, so the sticky stuff wouldn’t be against my skin. I used a little piece to fasten it, and that had to be replaced several times, but the band itself held out pretty well. I kept this method for over a year (even after my mission) until I finally got a new watch.
Unfortunately, this is the only mission photo I have that shows the watch band. It’s unfortunate, because this photo requires a bit of a story to explain. This is me during Shaft Week – a week where absolutely everything went wrong. The weather, teaching appointments, member visits, even lunch appointments. I was feeling pretty lame, so I decided to express my angst in the Biblical sense: with “sack-cloth” and ashes. Get it?
(If you think that explanation was long-winded, just be glad I trimmed this photo. The apartment we were living in here was a story in itself, as you may guess from the state of the walls and floor.)

#2: Temporary Wedding Ring

I came up with this one today. We took our rings in to be re-rhodium-ed, and it will be a couple of days before we’ll be down there to pick them up. But my hand always feels a little odd without the ring. So I decided to make one out of duct tape. It actually looks pretty good – sort of like the titanium coloring a lot of wedding bands have.

Nukeluking

In what may well be a mutant ability, I can twitch my finger tendons back and forth over my knuckles. My brother (just a few years old at the time) named it “Nukeluking.”

I’m not sure how to embed the videos without putting them on YouTube or something, but here are links to them on SkyDrive:

• Nukeluk Movie 1
• Nukeluk Movie 2

 

I have heard of other people being able to do this, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen it done. Certainly not on all fingers. (Only the middle finger came naturally. I expanded my abilities in fourth grade, although it hurt the first time I did it. I do not recommend developing this particular power.)

Bad Haiku

I have been guilty
Of putting Haiku poems
Where they shouldn’t go.

You know, like at work.
Out of office reply mail.
Instant message notes.

Some deal with Haiku.
But not all of them, you see.
So don’t bail out yet.

---

A bad idea
Is to write Haiku poems.
So please don't do it.

Once you get started,
It is difficult to quit.
It's quite addictive.

Instant message notes
are exactly the wrong place
to put your Haiku.
 
When out of office,
Keep your auto-replies clean
Of pointless Haiku.

 
The angry guy said,
"Get the heck out of here, punk!"
It was poetry.
 
The bank robber said,
"Give me all your money, now!"
Poetry, as well.

 
The time has arrived.
It is unsolicited.
Another Haiku.

Weird Stuff

Here are some pictures of weird stuff I’ve run across:

 

This is a wrapper for some Hershey’s chocolate. But, “Dark Promises?” Sounds like a threat or something.

In the daylight it says “Wheel Parts”, but at night the store’s true identity is revealed.

I sure am glad they gave us a numbered list, or I might have gotten lost.

Have you ever heard of cheese that was only only 50% grated?

Just over half a cent – but in this economy everything helps, I guess.

Since “mattress” is not part of the store’s name, they must have meant you should park mattresses there.

Yeah, I love how improper wiring is a safety feature.

A Useful Purpose for Facebook

I still don’t have a Facebook page. But I did find what may very well be the most useful thing you can do on Facebook.

Get ready…

You can “like” a Like Like!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Like-Like-Legend-of-Zelda/215303201831424

or

http://www.facebook.com/pages/LikeLike/120877404609064

Like, who doesn’t like liking things like Like Likes?

Blissful Ignorance

My daughter was watching Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus <shudder>. Barbie’s character makes a comment that is so stupid that it warrants mention here:

Cloud Queen: [A Wand of Light] isn’t found; it’s built.
Annika: How?
Cloud Queen: From a measure of courage, a ring of love, and a gem of ice lit by hope’s eternal flame.
Annika: That’s only three things! We can do it!

In order to visit Saturn, all I need is an unlimited power source, a warp drive system, and shield generator. That’s only three things! I can do it!